


Also Evil, Also Into Cats

by megyal



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-09
Updated: 2008-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-28 10:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired partly by <a>Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog</a> and something Pete wrote.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Also Evil, Also Into Cats

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired partly by Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog and something Pete wrote.

_patrick is the maddest scientist you will ever meet._   
_-Pete Wentz_

Dr. Patrick Stump rifled the papers in his gloved hands and peered out of his goggles over them. A young man... well, older than he was, but young in the scheme of things, was sitting across the cluttered desk from him in a large armchair.

"Um," this young man said, peering at the manacles which arched tightly against his arms, trapping him in his seat. "Is this really necessary?"

"Completely," Patrick intoned, giving the young man a severe look. "I have many enemies, Mr. Wentz."

"Pete, call me Pete." Pete tested the bonds and wrinkled his nose. "I mean, this is just an interview. What am I going to do, answer you to death?"

"You don't understand," Patrick hissed and pressed a hand to his chest. "I... am _Dr. Stump_."

"Yes, I know but--"

"The Incredible Delectable is always on my fucking case and I do _not_ need his spies sneaking in and stealing all my inventions."

"Oh man, the Incredible Delectable," Pete breathed, his eyes shining. Patrick squinted at him; he was much more attractive than the last three interviewees: almost as short as Patrick himself, but far skinnier. "I met him once! He was asking me something about his basement, I dunno."

"The Basement of Amazingness," Patrick spat, and flung away the clipboard with Pete Wentz's application and resume in a fit of childish rage. "The Basement of Amazingness! Can no one see how fucking _ridiculous_ that is? There's nothing _amazing_ about it! I mean, why keep your HQ in a stinking basement and call it amazing? I bet it's just... like, some disco lights and a Bowflex. And maybe it smells like old, unwashed socks."

Pete was staring at him, his eyes wide and brown. "Okay," he said slowly. "Right."

" _Right_." Patrick counted to ten in his mind to put his temper under control; when that didn't work, he rattled through the first twenty elements in the periodic table. He breathed out as he got to _Calcium_ and then tried to smile in a friendly manner at Pete, who recoiled a little at the grim show of all those teeth. "Now, then. Have you ever been an assistant to an evil genius before?"

Pete considered for a moment. "I was on The Apprentice once, does that count?"

"Yes. Yes it does." Patrick realised that the papers he had wanted to make notes on were scattered on the floor. He fumbled for a Post-It note and scribbled lamely on it.

"Do you have any enhanced powers? Mental or physical."

"I have a totally charming smile, but sometimes I overdo it." Pete immediately demonstrated this; Patrick squinted against the brilliance. "And I'm persuasive. My friend Hurley calls it annoying, but whatever."

Patrick made a note on his Post-It and then frowned at it. "Wait... this _Hurley_. He's not... The Relentless Beat, is he?"

"Yeah! I told him that name sucked, everyone and their _mother_ is doing "The Something Something", but he never listens to me. Why?" He looked at Patrick curiously. "Is that going to be a problem?"

Patrick stared at him, noting the long sweep of his dark lashes. It was totally going to be a huge problem if this Pete was friends with the Relentless Beat... but he was kind of pretty. Patrick found that the robots he created to be his assistants were not much to look at, not at all. And they got fresh with him sometimes. Seriously, there was nothing ruder than a robot in a huff.

Patrick finally shook his head. "No," he lied, because damn this Pete's pretty brown eyes, which were so _warm_ , "That's not going to be a problem. As long as you like cats, I have a bunch of them roaming through the dungeons."

"Oh, I'm a dog-person, but I'm cool with cats." Pete furrowed his brow, looking worried. "Are you sure it's going to be cool? Because I know you're a mad scientist and Hurley's like, For The Common Good and all, but I've heard about your work and I think what you do is so _awesome_ ," Pete gushed, his fingers flailing because his hands were still strapped down. Patrick's cheeks went hot. "I mean, the Pony-ficator? The Liplocker? The Discordant Ray?!! Oh man, the Discordant Ray is the BEST. EVER."

Patrick's eyes were almost falling out of his head as he stared at Pete, who was almost vibrating in his seat with delight. "You... you know about the Discordant Ray?"

"Yes! I mean, making all the musicians in the world unable to get find the right key, so that you could be the only singer able to sound good? That is so evil. I couldn't get over it." Pete cast him an appreciative stare. "Although, you know, you didn't have to. You have a great voice."

"I was in the Evil Anonymous Choir for six years," Patrick muttered absently and then took a deep breath. He pressed a red button right next to his elbow and immediately, the floor opened below Pete; he and the chair went crashing down. "Holy shit!" Patrick got up and raced around to peer through the square opening. "Oh my god, I am so sorry! I pressed the wrong button, I wanted to undo the straps. Hang on!"

"No, that's... it's okay, this large albino alligator broke my fall."

"Fuck!" Patrick screamed, pressing another button frantically; a hook swung out of the ceiling and hurtled down the opening in the floor; Patrick peered down carefully as it snagged the back of the chair and began to pull it and Pete up again. The albino alligator was _fucked_ ; Patrick would have to get a new one from Acme Supplies, he hated that place, and then the Relentless Beat would be there protesting animal rights, but that was okay, because his new assistant was just fine.

"That was fun," Pete grinned as his face appeared at the edge of the opening. "I hope you have insurance and stuff like that. Why do you have an albino alligator down there?"

"Because every other evil genius has a regular alligator and I want to be different," Patrick explained, making sure that the seat was settled on firm floor again, before pressing the right button this time to release the manacles. He stuck out his hand as Pete got up, rubbing his wrists.

"You're hired, Mr. Wentz," he said quickly, before he could think hard about it.

Pete grinned and shook his hand, thumb rubbing across the back of Patrick's hand.

"I'm sure it'll be a pleasure, Dr. Stump," he purred and Patrick blushed harder than before.


End file.
